Help! My Husband Has Low Sex Drive

My husband rarely initiates sex. He would sometimes give excuses just to avoid it. I felt I wasn’t attractive enough, so I went online to read up as many tips as possible that would help me become more sexually appealing to him but all to no avail. What do I do? Are there men who really do not like sex or could he be having an affair? – T. D.

This is one of such cases I get in my coaching/mentoring experiences.

Yes, there are men who are not as sexually active as is believed and expected of all men to be. It is not a common place to find men with low sex drive which explains why most victims would rather be silent about their problem. Unfortunately, the wives to these men find themselves in desperate situations where their desire for sex is left hanging with no apparent solution. This can be very frustrating especially when they get to hear about other women having to fight off their husbands or even avoid being caught naked to prevent some sexual moves.

When the man is irritated by sex, it sends several negative signals to the woman; she can go from thinking she is ugly, irritable, undesirable, unattractive, to feeling unworthy. Battling rejection from her spouse can also affect her self esteem. As annoying as the whole issue might be, it is also noteworthy that the man is also facing a difficult situation especially when it is health or medically related.

What can be responsible for a man’s low sex drive? The factors include :

  •  Alcohol or drug
  • Side effect of some medication
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Deep seated emotional issues
  • Addictions
  • Pornography
  • Masturbation
  • Emotional affair
  • The desire for a perfect sex partner
  • Pressure from work or finances
  • Religious interpretation of sex
  • Embarrassment at the inability to satisfy wife’s sexual desire
  • Fear of being vulnerable
  • Feeling disrespected
  • Nagging attitude from the wife
  • The wife’s unresponsive attitude to sex

As tempting as it may seem, wisdom demands that you avoid attacks, criticism and accusations. Rather, seek to understand why he suddenly lost interest in sex if he hasn’t always been like that. Trying to figure out the reason for the change from a place of hurt could undermine the exact cause of his behaviour.

What you can do to help the situation when your husband has low sex drive:

  • Communication is important in resolving every marital issue including sex. Unfortunately, sex and intimacy is the most difficult subject of discussion for couples. Like every other skill, communication skills can be learnt and applied to sexual discussions to help bring both of you to a place of understanding. While communicating your needs, consciously reflect love and a deep desire to understand his pains and struggles.
  • Suggest he seeks medical help. It’s not always easy for a man to admit his sexual issues but a good communication can get him to overcome this difficulty. He may still not own up to his challenges before you but sensing the genuineness of your love can encourage him to get help because it’s not just his problem but yours as well.
  • Be willing to work through your need to be patient and understanding for as long as it will take him to heal his emotional hurt and gain back his confidence through your encouragement.
  • Be responsive to his needs. Seek to know his love language. Spouses are more responsive to each other when their basic love needs are recognized and met.
  • Read up sex materials by Christian authors and discuss with him how the book and it’s contents relate to you.
  • Pray for him. God created sex as a gift for couples in marriage to experience physical, emotional and spiritual connection. Whatever stands to limit God’s purpose for you in marriage can be addressed at the place of prayer. Pray that The Holy Spirit who knows the root cause of his low sex drive will bring him healing as He helps him become aware of issues relating to his sexual and emotional past that needs to be confronted.
  • Seek professional help to guide you through the process of regaining a vibrant sex life in your marriage.
  • These suggestions may not work for you if there are reported cases of infidelity that has led to resentment. In this case, there’s also the need to seek professional help.

As you seek solution to the sexual challenges in your marriage, avoid telling people about his struggles. It can make him embarrassed and affect his willingness to reach out for help.

Some men may naturally have low sex drive but acknowledging that God created us sexual beings, can still go ahead to provide pleasure to his wife knowing sex is important to her and their marriage.



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